08 January 2010

Publish or Perish: Musings at the Start of the Year

I guess the slogan on the notebook is pretty self-explanatory.

This entry is rather late, seeing how it's already the tenth of January, but I guess it's better late than never when it comes to writing out how I feel at the moment. In light of the fact that the tail end of 2009 left me in an emotional tailspin - well, more like an emotional whirlwind - the coming of 2010 poses numerous questions that I've been trying to answer. In varying degrees of success, alas.

I was very put out with both myself and the people at work when a psychiatrist told me to take six months off work.

Six months - six bloody months. Just because I lost my temper. Just because I felt as if I was useless because my boss outsourced most of the writing jobs I was supposed to do. Just because I felt that I wasn't getting the help I needed for my work. Just because I was different from everyone else.

I'll be very honest here: I felt like garbage. I was told to see a shrink, to take medicines that will probably do my body more harm than good. I felt that I'd been classed with serial killers and convulsive madmen who have to be tied to their beds so as not to cause harm to them and those around them.

When I was told that I would only be paid for one month out of the six I was supposed to be on leave, I was stunned. When I was told that I had to involve my family in the course of treatment, I didn't know what to think. Their words were "You need your family. They have to support you throughout the six months of treatment."

It was a slap in the face for me.

It was total bullshit.

What the hell am I supposed to be for the next six months? A damned parasite?! I've told them time and again that my parents are retired; they need the money more than I do. Then they want me to lean on my parents, sponge off them as if I was some useless vegetable - as if I was physically incapacitated?!

I am starting to believe that those who sing the praises of shrinks, antidepressants, and mood stabilizers need to get their heads checked.

I won't deny that I get depressed. Nor will I deny that I get really pissed whenever I feel things aren't going my way. But I will also admit that I have never caused physical harm to anyone; in fact, the only person who ever got hurt physically was me.

I'll admit that I've had suicidal thoughts over the years. However, I have never actually attempted to do anything to actually get myself snuffed in the process.

I've managed to pull myself together with the grace of God and the love and support of those around me.

It's about time I put the past behind me once and for all and look towards the future with my head held high; with hope in my heart rather than dark despair, to face it with clear eyes rather than those clouded by potentially poisonous medicines prescribed by someone who gets paid a hefty P 500.00 - 800.00 per session just to listen to people.

There are other, more viable ways of getting over depression; there are worlds beyond my current workplace.

It's time to publish rather than perish because I was too much of a coward - or I was cowed to badly by those who think they know what's best for me - to do what I really want to do in life.

And, if anyone gets in my way, there will definitely be hell to pay.

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