On Singlehood and Suicide

Life is playing you a very bitter hand, indeed when you find out that friends who are total losers in the looks department are getting married [AND having children] and that old adversaries who would make Satan himself flee in horror at their nastiness have managed to hook up and reproduce.

All this, alas, while you are left high on the shelf.

Ouch.

It is bad enough that I am currently trying to address issues that have needed addressing for a very long time, but it's worse because I feel so lonely, so...defective.

As I type this particular blog entry, I can't stop crying. I feel so hurt. People flaunt partners and children for all to see; they enumerate success after success. Others love them and are really vocal about their affection.

Whilst I have nothing.

Some people tell me to seek professional help. Others tell me that all I should do is pray. There are also those who tell me to take medicines and those who tell me to go vegetarian. (Seriously, I wanted to break the bastard's arm - in several places.) I don't know who to listen to anymore.

I pray, but my faith now languishes. It's like God has time to listen to the rest of the planet, but not to me. My brother the priest tells me to take it easy, but how can I when everyone expects me to be perfect ALL THE FRICKING TIME?

I am so tired of having to lie, to pretend that everything is okay when everything is, in truth, falling apart.

I'm just tired - period - but no one seems to see or sense that.

I truly envy people who have others to share their lives with. Since I haven't got anyone of my own, I may as well end things.

One less defective person = a little more happiness in the world, right?

The Horror...The Horror!

As if my life hasn't been mad enough, I had to end up with the flu - of all things! DX

And, as if that alone wasn't enough to cause me enough grief, I have the exquisite misfortune of having to deal with people around me who think that, just because I'm built bigger than most girls, I'll recover faster than everyone else.

As of this hour, I am still sick; my ears still hurt and I hardly have any energy. But I forced myself to go to work. I had to; there's a trade confab coming up next week and we need all hands on deck even if half the troops are still in their sickbeds.

Just this once, I wish people would realize I'm just as human as the rest of them. I am not a robot!

You Can't Push Anyone into Recovering

Artwork: All I Needer - Tessar, 2009

I wonder when people will figure out that even allegedly heartless, selfish, and hateful people like me still need hugs and such symbols of affection and concern whenever we're ill.

Instead, all I've been getting are Gestapo-ish commands from some really authoritarian bitches and bastards who have been telling me to recover - or else. Hah; as if recovery could be achieved with the snap of one's fingers.

As wrong as it sounds, I can only wish that these people would fall ill themselves - and then I'd like to see if anyone will show them any sympathy after what they've put myself and others through.

All I need right now is a hug and some reassurance that there will always be light at the end of any tunnel.

This is What Happens When You Drink Too Much...

I would suggest you click the picture above for a better view.

This is just one fine [and side-splittingly funny] episode in the mad and smart-alecky world of Buttersafe, the creation of artists and Raynato Castro and Alex Culang.

It's damned hilarious, but I'd take the above strip's advice if I were you: too much strong drink leads to some really weird things you won't be able to explain when you're sober. >_<

In the Midst of Solitude

Artwork: Untitled Piece by Shary Boyle, 2007

on those
days
when you
feel
that the
world
is against
you,

know
this:

you are
not
alone.

you are
never
alone.

and you
can tell
your foes
to go
kill
themselves
because
they
matter
not.

The Bookworm's Meme: What's on Your Bookshelf?

Every bookworm worthy of the title has his or her own collection of titles that are either falling apart from the spine with seriously dog-eared pages from being read over and over again or books that were bought because they were interesting at first but proved to be serious disappointments. Here's my list of favorite, most-used, and even utterly deplored tomes:

Five All-time Favorite Books

• Chocolat by Joanne Harris
• Aphrodite: A Memoir of the Senses by Isabel Allende
• Como Agua Para Chocolate [Like Water for Chocolate] by Laura Esquivel
• The St. Clare's Series by Enid Blyton
  
• Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto

Five Most-used Books (either manuals, cookbooks, study guides, etc.)

• How to be a Domestic Goddess by Nigella Lawson
• The Ultimate Cookie Book published by Tormont
• Bread: The Breads of the World and How to Bake them at Home by Christine Ingram and Jennie Shapfter
• The Better Homes and Gardens New Cookbook
• A Witch in the Kitchen by Titania Hardie

Completed Book Series

• The Belgariad by David Eddings
• The Malloreon by David Eddings
• The Elenium by David Eddings
• The Tamuli by David Eddings
• Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maude Montgomery
• Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Five Most Recent Additions to the Library

• Oishinbo a la Carte: Japanese Cuisine
• Martha Stewart's Cookies
• Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi
• Making Money by Terry Prachett
• The Lollipop Shoes by Joanne Harris

If you want to join this particular meme, please feel free to post it on your site; be sure to send me a link via the comments section. Happy reading, everyone!

Before Battle

Artwork: Judith and Holofernes - Keith Thompson, date unknown

i prepare
myself
for
battle;
i gird
myself
for
war...

i put my
sword
to hand;
it is sharp,
and keen,
and my arm
is strong.

i set my
eyes
on the
prize:
my heart,
my soul -
they both
need
saving.

feel my
anger,
let my
fury
burn:

let me hack
at the
heads
of my mortal
foes -

self-loathing,
fear and dread,
insecurity -

fall dead
at my
feet!

no mercy
for the
fallen;
with my
blade -

of truth,
of passion,
determination,
acceptance -

they will lie
bleeding
before me.

they enslaved
me
once;
it shall
never
happen
ever
again.

Haiku: A Demitasse for One

the scent makes me think:
silent memoirs, lonely days -
i sigh, cup in hand.

It's a Seriously Frightening Thing...

...when it turns out that:

• the love of your life belongs to the same church as your (soon-to-be-former) best friend's best friend from school;
• that he went to the same school as one of your former officemates (and you found out about that when aforementioned former officemate sent a request via Facebook);
• some of his friends have been snooping onto your Multiply page whenever you say something nice on any of his posts;
  
• his ahiya (older brother; kuya in Tagalog) was your former boss's former officemate (and still happens to be your ex-boss's wife's officemate); and
• you take one of those offbeat Facebook quizzes and it turns out you're the Monica to his Chandler.

Coincidence, perhaps? I don't really know.

Flight

Artwork: Sleeping Smoke - Amy Sol, 2009

i set

myself

adrift

amidst

the chaos

around me:

i close

my ears

to the

naysayers'

portent and

proverbs and

patter of

doom.

this time,

this space -

like a

bondswoman

i have

earned

them.

i have

prayed;

i've been

answered.

i do

what must

needs

to be

done.

On Acceptance

Those of you whom I've texted over the past couple of weeks know this: I've finally accepted the fact that I am in need of treatment and therapy.

It didn't help, of course, that a few days ago certain people whom I've held in great esteem slammed my decision to get professional help, to finally take a break from the tedium of the past several years.

I wonder if these people have ever experienced what it's like to be different from everyone else - and I don't mean different in a good way. I wonder what they would do if a member of their families or their circles of friends also suffered from bipolar disorder or some other malady of the mind and body.

It is my personal belief that prayer can - and will - work wonders for me. However, I think the road to recovery from so many years of pain also entails a great deal of acceptance. It is something that one should not do half-heartedly, nor should it be a case of leaving it all up to Divine Providence. It also shouldn't be a case of leaving things to chance or putting one's trust in temporary solutions.

Neither chocolate nor busting my backside off with hours and hours of exercise can help me at this point. I have to look back at the past to face the future, to seek the necessary treatment, to accept the right kind of help whenever and wherever it is offered.

At this point, I'm taking some time off from work. I spent today retracing my past, specifically the happy halcyon days I spent in college - the very first place where people actually accepted me, quirks and all. I had lunch and spent much of the afternoon traipsing through Chinatown with a friend whom I can readily share laughter (and chocolate!) with. I arrived home tired, but strangely happy. It was a much different feeling from coming home bone-tired and worried sick over something or other.

To everyone who has prayed with and for me, to everyone who helped me get through last week (which was, horrifyingly enough, the first week of pharmacotherapy for me), even those who belittled my attempts to finally end the depression that has driven me (and just about everyone else around me) half-mad: thank you.

Acceptance of one's limitation, one's condition, and the support of others is the first step on the road to recovery.

Seriously, I think this time I'll finally be able to break free.