29 June 2009

On Singlehood and Suicide

Life is playing you a very bitter hand, indeed when you find out that friends who are total losers in the looks department are getting married [AND having children] and that old adversaries who would make Satan himself flee in horror at their nastiness have managed to hook up and reproduce.

All this, alas, while you are left high on the shelf.


It is bad enough that I am currently trying to address issues that have needed addressing for a very long time, but it's worse because I feel so lonely, so...defective.

As I type this particular blog entry, I can't stop crying. I feel so hurt. People flaunt partners and children for all to see; they enumerate success after success. Others love them and are really vocal about their affection.

Whilst I have nothing.

Some people tell me to seek professional help. Others tell me that all I should do is pray. There are also those who tell me to take medicines and those who tell me to go vegetarian. (Seriously, I wanted to break the bastard's arm - in several places.) I don't know who to listen to anymore.

I pray, but my faith now languishes. It's like God has time to listen to the rest of the planet, but not to me. My brother the priest tells me to take it easy, but how can I when everyone expects me to be perfect ALL THE FRICKING TIME?

I am so tired of having to lie, to pretend that everything is okay when everything is, in truth, falling apart.

I'm just tired - period - but no one seems to see or sense that.

I truly envy people who have others to share their lives with. Since I haven't got anyone of my own, I may as well end things.

One less defective person = a little more happiness in the world, right?

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