29 July 2009

On Being at the End of My Tether

Artwork: Rose Red - Nicoletta Ceccoli, date unknown

All I said was hi.

But there was no answer. Is it so wrong to greet someone?

I can't help being the way I am.

But I hate it when people make me look like the villainess, the monster of the piece.

To say that I've been crying for the past couple of days wouldn't be an understatement because it's the truth.

If my siblings hadn't told me to go home last night, I would probably have not gone home anymore.

I don't know who to trust or who to turn to. I pray and there are no answers. I ask and the answers come into conflict with each other. People tell me one thing to my face, then say something else behind my back.

As for the book I just put online? I guess I am a pretty worthless writer; everyone says so. And the person I dedicated it to probably hates me now. He's probably disgusted that a fat, ugly older woman with romantic notions actually likes him. Oh, dear...

(For all I know, siniraan na siguro ako sa kanya ng mga mutual acquaintances. With friends like those...meh, you all know the rigamarole.)

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if it's because I still haven't fully recovered from the flu, that I currently have a cold and am trying to soldier on best as I can, or if it's because I'm finally losing it. I want to rest, but people tell me not to.

My brother and the few people I can still call friends tell me not to give up, not to lose hope; to stay strong despite the odds.

But tell me: what does one do when everything already seems lost?

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